by Grace Anders
|Are other New Yorkers meeting online?–by Erica Zabowski via Flickr|
I recently joined an online dating website. Like everyone else using them, I struggled to find the perfect language so as to appear nonchalant and off-the-cuff while secretly editing my profile for several days to make it seem that way. And though my profile may not be the best, I think it’s pretty good. I’m fairly sure I come off as a confident New York woman without being cocky, and quirky without being a Zooey-Deschanel-look-at-me-aren’t-I-adorable level of annoying.
So, why can’t I attract a normal date? As a girl, I get several messages a day. From what I hear, this isn’t abnormal, but they are the weirdest emails. And because they’re too hilarious not to share, well, I had to share the best on this blog.
“I will take you out to dinner on Friday call me at XXX-XXX-XXX.”
I do give this guy points for being direct. I like that. However, I also like the women’s rights movement and punctuation, so I guess this guy isn’t going to work out. Next, please.
“I share almost everything in common with. I realize that I may not be exactly what you are looking for, but honestly I can be good.”
In common with what? Whom? Me? If you feel the need to tell me you can be good, I wonder why you’d say that, unless you have a strong history of being bad. Points for ‘honestly’ messaging me though.
You give off the vibe that you love tequila…”…and you give off the vibe that you spend a lot of Fridays alone.
|Do you love tequila?—Mr. T in DC via Flickr|
Hi there miss, I am looking for a partner in Jesus. I am out soon and would like to meet you.”
Out….of where? I think you have a better chance of finding Jesus in the mess hall than you do in me.
But to be serious for a second, I have talked to a few people who seemed normal. And I built up the courage (read: drank a few cocktails) and got to the point where I agreed to meet one guy.
However, he bailed on me! And this wasn’t after a few online messages; it was after weeks of texting back and forth around scheduling issues, and after an actual date night/time had been set. He was supposed to pick me up (in a porsche, no less!), but nothing happened. This is too bad, as he was slightly cute and clever, too.
So, as an overly self-critical female, I did what any single female professional with a full- time job and hobbies would do: I went back on the website, borrowed photos from a friend, created a complete fake profile as a guy, and used it to browse profiles of girls to see what they have on theirs that I don’t have on mine. It’s a lot like the plot of an Adam Sandler movie, only this was actually funny.
Before I knew it, I started getting messages from girls. And let me tell you – they are just as bad.
“I’m a little bit drunk but you’re so hot and my roommate said she’d make me say hi to you!”
Ugh, seriously ladies? Talk about transparent. I hope this girl learns that real men like me don’t respond to that kind of message.
“You probably won’t reply to this because you’re so cute and funny…”
Well, you’re right about one thing — I won’t reply to it. But it’s not because I’m too cute and funny. (Or because I’m actually a girl.)
“WhAtTup it’S DeSiReE CurRenTly SiNgLe nEeDing A a MAN dAt caN tReeeT mE RYtE. NoT n SkOoL BuT gOnNa b b4 U no it”
Oh, dear, dear Desiree. It was so cruel of your parents to name you DeSiRrE. It must have been hard to master both capital and lowercase letters in SkOoL.
I have a speed dating event later this week, and after these messages, I’m sure any pick-up line is going to seem like it’s coming from Prince Charming.
Until the next dating adventure in the big city, here’s a piece of early Easter advice for the single ladies — Don’t put too many eggs in the online dating basket. Let’s hope speed dating either works out better, or is equally entertaining.
|Don’t put too many eggs in the dating basket–by Stormgrass via Flickr|